Today is Father’s Day, one of those days where your absence is felt more deeply than usual. I truly cannot put into words how much Elsie, Graeme and I miss you. Last March, our lives were forever changed the moment you were exposed to Covid at work doing the job you loved. In time, Elsie and Graeme will know what a passionate and knowledgeable Speech Pathologist you were. You went into work at the start of this pandemic and continued to help others despite knowing the risks. You are the true definition of a hero, and Elsie and Graeme will grow up knowing what an impact you had. I will also make sure they know just how hard and long you fought Covid before losing your battle. I am forever proud of you, and I know when Elsie and Graeme are old enough to understand what happened to their Papa, they will be extremely proud of you too.
I wish you were here so we could celebrate you and the wonderful Papa you are. Becoming a Dad was your dream, and from the moment Elsie was born, you were a natural. Watching you with Elsie and Graeme always managed to put a huge smile on my face. I saw how happy they made you and how much you enjoyed being their Papa. I can still picture you on our living room floor with Elsie and Graeme between your legs as you sang, “Row, Row, Row, Your Boat” to them. That is one of Elsie’s favorite videos to watch when she is sad and missing her Papa. Sometimes after we watch the video she wants me to row her just like you did, and as I do tears come to my eyes because I know that it should be you here doing that with her, making her giggle and smile, just like you did in that moment I was able to capture. She should still be having those moments with you, as should Graeme, and today is a day that truly reminds us of all we lost when Covid ended your life last April.
You know today you would have been spoiled with extra love, hugs, snuggles, and kisses. You would have had two happy and giggly children run into our room, climb into bed, and jump all over you. Of course, they would have been all dressed in their special Father’s Day Shirt to honor you and your special day. Elsie and I would have made you the Chocolate Chip Pancakes you always loved with bacon on the side. It would be your day doing what you loved most in this world…spending time with our family. I can see your smile, the one that made your eyes light up, the one that told me how happy you were, and the one that showed the love that you had for us. That is the type of Father’s Day I wish we were having, but now that is the type of Father’s Day I only get to dream about.
My Love, despite you not being here, today is still your special day. You are Elsie and Graeme’s Papa, and even though they are still very young and don’t understand what today is, it is important for me to create traditions that both celebrate and honor you. I strongly feel that Elsie and Graeme need to have special traditions so when they do understand the significance of Father’s Day– so they will know that just because their Papa is in heaven doesn’t mean that they can’t do special and fun things to celebrate you. So today Elsie and I will make the Chocolate Pancakes you love, and have them with bacon, because that is how Papa loved his breakfast. Elsie and Graeme will wear a special Father’s Day shirt to honor you. It reads “PAPA’S IN HEAVEN BUT ALWAYS IN OUR HEARTS” I think the most beautiful part of this shirt is the fact that those are the words of our little girl, Elsie. Whenever she looks up at the sky and knows she can’t reach you, that is what she says. Yes, you are in heaven and because you are always in our hearts there is no way we are not celebrating Father’s Day in your memory.
Today Elsie, Graeme, and I will spend the day together as a family and will go out and do something special that you would have loved….going to the park, going to the zoo, taking a walk, going to get ice cream, or exploring something new as a family. We might play outside in the backyard that we fell in love with when we bought this house because it would be perfect for our family one day. Or we might find a bridge over a stream so I can play Pooh sticks with the kids — something you always dreamed about doing with them one day.
No matter what we do, you will be not only in our thoughts, but I will share stories and memories with Elsie and Graeme, talk about you like I always do — but maybe even more today because, after all, it’s Father’s Day. I will take cute pictures of Elsie and Graeme wearing their shirts and will post the picture and write something to honor you — Elsie and Graeme’s amazing Papa.
Yes, today is so different than I want it to be. I never would have imagined us celebrating today without you. It breaks my heart knowing that so many children like Elsie and Graeme won’t have their Daddy’s with them today to celebrate. This past year so many young children have also lost their Daddies to Covid. For so many children impacted by this pandemic, Father’s Day will never be the same again. If I have learned one thing through losing you, it’s that I will always choose joy. That is my gift to you, because I know that is what you want for me and for Elsie and Graeme. So even though your absence is felt even more today, know that as we celebrate you, there will be happiness in our hearts because your love for us will shine through in everything we do to celebrate you and the amazing Papa you are. Happy Father’s Day. We Love You Always.
The post My Husband Died Of COVID, And Now My Kids Will Never Get Another Father’s Day With Him appeared first on Scary Mommy.