When we’re young, full of endless energy, and can pull an all-nighter but totally rally the next day after a cup of coffee and still hit the gym after a full work day, it’s hard to imagine there will ever be a time when that energy runs out. But the day comes when you’re perpetually tired, your body randomly aches and you don’t know why, your digestive system can’t tolerate dairy or fried foods anymore, and … perhaps most shocking of all, your sex life sucks (and not in a good way).
But it’s all a part of getting older isn’t it? Whether it’s your libido that’s circling the drain (or already went down it) or it’s your partner’s. Whether it’s because of hormones, medication, health issues, or just because you’re tired and feel old AF. For a myriad of reasons, the young sex kittens in their 20s often find themselves unrecognizable a decade or two later as months start to tick by with little or no sex in their lives.
Truthfully, having a shitty sex life (or no sex life) can really blow, especially when “blowing” used to be your specialty. But if this is the reality you’re living, check out our Scary Mommy confessional, and you’ll see just how common sexless (or almost sexless) relationships really are. And that we’re all in that aging, menopausal, low-libido boat together.
“I wish my DH had any kind of libido. Fuck me, make love to me, it doesn’t matter. Just make me feel special like that.”
“Sex is one of the only things that make me feel alive. My husband has low libido and never wants to. I feel like I’m in a coma”
“H has turned into a grumpy, frumpy old man, and we’re not even 50. Can’t hear, shuffles around, and lost his libido. I’m not old, unattractive, or dead, and I don’t intend to live like it.”
For many of us, we’re still all-in, and want the sex. We still crave that hot, sweaty, hands all over each other passion. But our partners … well, they seem to be all set.
“I am higher libido partner but I avoid sex now. Mechanically things are fine and both having orgasms but I feel hollow after. DH doesn’t seem to “want” to so feels like pity sex. His only motivation seems to be avoiding mental stigma of a sexless marriage”
“”I can’t help it, you feel too good” was cute in the beginning, but for God’s sake. It’s been 8 years. Figure out a way to last, I would like to O sometimes too. Wish I had one of those guys who are proud of making their W go crazy in bed.”
“I gained my libido back after baby and medical issues but the sex is so bad and he’s so selfish about it. He wants 2 BJs in a day but can’t bother with foreplay?? I want sex just not with him. This is screwing up my marriage.”
“DH’s libido entirely relies on my enjoyment. I feel like I have to put on a show for him.”
And when one person is either not into it, or is over it quickly, your sex life can be really disappointing. You just want to feel wanted and for it to last more than three minutes—why is that too much to ask?
“If you don’t go to the dr to fix this medication-induced low libido, I am leaving you.”
“I’m going to suggest being poly if my DH doesn’t get his libido back. I can’t live this way”
“My H literally has zero libido. We are in our late 30’s and have had sex about 3 times in a year. I’m done talking about it, he says he does want sex but never acts like it. On to finding a boyfriend!”
Sometimes it’s too much to bear and can be the thing that drives a person straight out of the relationship.
“My sweet, loving husband who couldn’t get it up for years, now wants sex. I’ve had breast cancer, my body is mutulated, I’m on anti estrogen pills. My libido is nonexistent. And now he wants sex! When I chased him around the bedroom for years!!”
“Nobody warns you how menopause stops your libido cold. I mean ice cold dead. I miss feeling horny so damned much. Life has so much less joy and color without it.”
“I hate that my pelvic floor is damaged and because of it, I don’t enjoy sex with my husband anymore. I’m 100% attracted to him and wish I wanted sex but I don’t have the libido because things aren’t working properly :(”
Lots of times, it’s us—and our bodies—that are causing the lack of sex. Whether it’s due to childbirth fucking us up forever, or super fun life events like menopause totally messing with our hormones, sometimes our reasons for not wanting sex are out of our control.
“Between my menopause killing my libido and DH’s diabetic ED leaving him soft, we have no sex life anymore and we’re just drifting apart.”
“DH is as constantly horny as a teenage boy – which frustrates the hell out of him because his teenage libido is trapped in the body of a 52 year old man with diabetic ED.”
“It’s been a year since DH and I have had sex. His mental health and all the scripts he’s on fuxked with his libido. I miss it. I miss him. This sucks.”
And other times, it’s our partner. The cause of ED, can be medication or health issues and it’s actually quite common. We know, that doesn’t make it easier to cope with your partner’s flaccid penis when you really just want a good, hard romp, but truth be told, it might not be his fault either.
No one sets out in a committed relationship with the goal of a fizzled-out sex life, but it happens. It happens to a lot of us, actually, and the lack of connection that sex brings can drive quite a damaging wedge into a marriage or relationship. If you see yourself in some of these confessions (or if these are your actual confessions), know this—your relationship isn’t necessarily broken. There is help out there—talk to a therapist, talk to your doctor, and maybe go on a date tonight with your SO. Wear something sexy, flirt in their ear, and see where the night takes you. Sure, it might still take you to snoring on the couch by 9, but it might not. That 20-something sex kitten is still in there, you know.
The post From The Confessional: My Sex Life Is In The Toilet, And I Don’t Know What To Do appeared first on Scary Mommy.